Nothing For Granted

Avram Grant is a depressing man with complexion of an ashtray and a wife who drinks piss for fun. He’s been shuffling around Upton Park attached to a saline drip of synthetic optimism pretending that all is happy in the house of Hammers. Which it is clearly not.

And now this three-game ultimatum. Which could potentially turn Grant’s final days at West Ham into a prime-time gameshow. If his team are still without a win before the third game against Everton then that fixture becomes a million-dollar question for the Israeli. Perhaps the operations team will play long orchestral version of the Countdown crescendo over the public address system as a lady in a sequined swimming costume parades the touchline with a copy of Grant’s P45. And then as the crowd look to a snowy sky, there is Sam Allardyce being lowered inexorably towards the dugout in a perspex box. Specially reinforced of course.