KiesWatch

I’ve got the binoculars trained on Craig Kieswetter this morning as he makes his England debut. It’s making me feel a bit nauseous seeing as the television is only four yards away.

First up for Kieswetter is an interview with Bumble, who is rolling out his new Paxman impression by grilling the young man with queries such as how long he’s wanted to play for England for and does he know Alistair Cook. I’m not sure if this last one is trick question, Bumble hoping to trip up Kieswetter and get him to blurt out ‘Graeme Smith’. Turns out that he does know who Cook is. He’s the England captain.

Kieswetter is not keeping today. It must be weird for a gloveman to be relieved of his duties in this way. Like a budgie released from his cage to fly around the front room. He must be very disoriented. In fact he has just been sick on the outfield.

Bangladesh Innings

Over 1

Kieswetter is fielding at midwicket and touches the ball for the first time. He winces a bit. It hurts without gloves. 

Over 3

Eoin Morgan drops a dolly. I always feel much better when one of my colleagues shells one because it means that when I do I won’t be the only one. I’m sure Kieswetter feels the same.

Over 5

Kieswetter fields. He has 87 on his back. To make sure that he is unlucky to Australians at all times.

Over 10

Kieswetter runs in vain after the ball to the midwicket boundary. He looks exhausted. 

Over 11

Kieswetter takes one at square leg. He looked a bit surprised. I love this guy. He’s brilliant. I don’t know why people get so het up about his heritage. His mother is Scottish. You don’t get more English than that.

Over 18

Kieswetter isn’t in the game much now. He needs a Red Bull to make sure he doesn’t drop off. 

Over 19

Matt Prior effects a neat caught behind – stumping combo as if to say “fuck you Kieswetter, these gloves are mine.”

Over 28

Kieswetter fails to cut one off at deep point. I think he might have been asleep. 

Over 32

Bangladesh sneak two to Kieswetter at midwicket. He’d wasted time throwing off a phantom glove.

Over 39

Everybody is bowling now. When’s Kieswetter going to get a go?

Over 46

Bangladesh all out for 228. Captain Cook trots over to Kieswetter to wake him up. He has to bat now.

England Innings

Over 1

Wow. Mashrafe got fat.

Over 4

Cook gives up on trying to get all the runs himself handing Kieswetter the chance to face his first ball. Against spin. It’s pushed into short extra cover. As is the second one. Boring. His first runs come off edge which nutmegs the keeper. Close. He’s trapped in front on the last ball of the over. Umpire says not out. Two lives gone in five balls. At least he’s lucky. 

Over 5

Down the pitch to Mashrafe and caressed through the covers on the up for four. More like it. Kieswetter is brilliant. I love South Africans. 

Over 9

Kieswetter’s only faced 13 balls so far. He’s in danger of nodding off again. Except that he twats one down the ground. He’s definitely awake.

Over 10

Kieswetter looks exhausted already. All that running around can take it out of you.

Over 13

Oh. He’s out. Needlessly stumped. Kieswetter is rubbish. I hate South Africans.

Here comes Pietersen. Love Pietersen.

A piece about Gail Trimble. Everyone else has written one.

The green room at Granada Studios in Manchester before the filming of University Challenge can be a disconcerting place. For a start it isn’t green. It’s more beige. With a dash of burgundy in the soft furnishings.

And then there are intense pockets of poindexters poring over the Periodic Table. Or with their eyes screwed shut reciting sonnet 113 while their colleagues gurgle their approval. The air is thick with the smell of trivia.

And if you aren’t nervous enough by then, in He walks.

The Paxman. The man with the face of a rottweiller and the reputation of a baboon. I’m getting mixed up. Sorry I’m nervous, I’m having flashbacks to my own time in the green room.

But this year there was something more intimidating for the fearful contestants. A woman with all the facts of the cosmos sucked in through her ears and lodged in her cranium for her to retain as she pleases.

Gail Trimble has crossed over in royal fashion. The Observer and the Today programme are one thing. But the tabloids and BBC Breakfast are quite another. I nearly spat out my Coco Pops when I saw her flirting with Bill Turnbull.

It’s been a momentous week for quizdom. Not only did we have Trimbo stepping up over here, but the night before in LA, a film about a man who cleans up on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire dominates proceedings at the Oscars. It seems that maybe the geeks are eventually about to the earth.

There is the faint suspicion that behind the placid facade of Trimble there is an evil genius intent on global domination. So what? I say good luck to her. The world would probably be a better place. It would certainly be less ignorant. She could retain her three minions: Marsden, Schwartzman and Kay. The latter exudes the faint air of Igor: the imagination doesn’t stretch too far to picture him hobbling behind Ms Trimble lisping “master, master.”

So here’s to you Gail Trimble. Watching you shift through the gears on Monday night to take the UC laurels was a genuinely thrilling televisual experience. And it’s not often you can say that about a quizzer. I should know.