Zack Morris And The Art Of War

Fuck Off, I'm Zack Morris

Zack Morris was one of the great modern lotharios of the small screen. I have a fond recollection of a classic episode of Saved by the Bell when he disguises himself as a girl to infiltrate Kelly Kapowski‘s slumber party in order to learn something of the exotic secrets that she and her chums hold.

I’ve not read whether John Buchanan is a fan of Saved by the Bell or other shows in the Peter Engel canon, but the announcement today of his short-term employment by the ECB in a consultant role sets the alarms bleeping in my mind. For Buchanan read Morris, for the Loughborough academy read the Kapowski boudoir. A week-long contract seems suspiciously brief – although plenty long enough to conduct some heavy-duty espionage on the England team on behalf of his former charges.

Buchanan is famous for studying the ancient Chinese military manual The Art of War, and there is almost certainly some wank in there about knowing one’s enemies is to know oneself or something. Thus we are presented with the terrifying prospect of Buchanan as a sort of bespectacled Trojan horse hell-bent on unleashing a battalion of tiny Australian coaches from beneath his ACB anorak to gather intelligence at ECB headquarters.

Of course I shouldn’t be so worried – the Aussies would never dream of going to such extravagant lengths to spy on their mortal foes. No need. Just have a look in the vicinity of the England dressing room. You should find everything you’re looking for on a piece of paper there.