Posts Tagged ‘last of the summer wine’
ICC World Twenty20 Final Misinformed Preview: England
So far I haven’t commented on the fact that for the first time since 2004, England are performing well at an international limited overs competition. It’s a vaguely indigestible truth. Now I’ve managed to work it free from a back molar, I can try and talk about it:
Michael Lumb: Known by some of his team-mates as ‘Michael Dumb’. To be fair, he does look a bit glassy-eyed. Probably gives lie to CollyFlower’s claim that every England player is now thinking for himself. In Lumb’s case, this is probably a good thing. See ball, hit ball. Running between the wickets seems a bit taxing for him though.
Craig Kieswetter: Looks like a young Julius Caesar.
Kevin Pietersen: Does anybody know what Pietersen’s baby is called? Not sure why I’m so interested. Anyone who grumbled that Pietersen should be dropped at any point in the last year should not be allowed to watch cricket again.
Paul Collingwood: Is in a similar trough of form to his Australian counterpart, Michael Clarke. Seems that telling your players to think for themselves is more arduous than previously thought. At least he has the decency to get himself out before placing too much strain on the run-rate.
Eoin Morgan: Has been heralded by David Lloyd as the only reason England is any good now. Can’t imagine he’s strutting around the dressing room though lauding it over his team-mates though. Seems impervious to anything thrown at him. Including balls.
Luke Wright: Has an everyman quality of looking a bit rubbish, which also makes him easy to underestimate. Plays with a slight grimace on his face that makes me think he’s always a little bit constipated. Runs like he’s heading into a hurricane.
Tim Bresnan: More Yorkshire than Last Of The Summer Wine and tea. Give him a staff and leather jerkin, and he’s a Merry Man.
Michael Yardy: Has suspiciously lustrous hair. I wonder if he has paid a visit to the Advanced Hair Studio. I’d like to to go there some day, just to see all the pictures of cricketers on the wall. Yardy possibly jealous of Ryan Sidebottom (see below).
Graeme Swann: Likes shouting at Stuart Broad if he cocks up the field.
Stuart Broad: Likes shouting at Graeme Swann if he cocks up in the field.
Ryan Sidebottom: Worst hair in cricket. Pet of Andy Flower. In fairness, he has achieved the nifty feat of making us forget who Jimmy Anderson is. Likes shouting at anybody if they cock up in the field.
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Just Like Watching Last Of The Summer Wine
So Kevin Pietersen is tired. Well Kevin, I’m tired too. Tired of watching the same game of cricket over and over again.
Watching England’s one day side over the last fifteen years or so is like watching Last of the Summer Wine. The cast changes, but the plot remains stolidly the same. It’s just three old men in a bath going slowly downhill.
I’m tired of the constant look of bewilderment on Andrew Strauss’ face. He opens the batting with a Clegg-like dynamism. But he has my sympathy. His first tour has been a particularly trying one what with the tribuations of referrals, flat pitches, declarations and Steve Harmison. Strauss is the man to lead England into the Ashes series this summer, but someone should give him this little suggestion: at least pretend to look like you know what you’re doing.
And then Bopara. Compo. The iconoclast. Actually scrub that. I’m getting tired of this analogy. But not as tired as I am of England’s one-day performances. Even when they contrive to win it’s dull.
The reason I mention the openers is because they set the tone for the rest of the innings and, when they bat first, the bowlers. It’s like some wonky version of collective responsibility: if one of the team underperforms, then we’re all allowed to underperform.
Ultimately I’m tired of ranting. Every time I look in the mirror I look a little bit more like Bob Willis. And I’m tired because I wasted my Friday night watching this familiar drivel. When I could have been out. Or in. Probably in actually.
