Exclusive: French Team Revealed

Following the suspension of the entire French World Cup squad, here’s an exclusive look at Laurent Blanc’s first French team for their upcoming friendly with Norway:

Goalkeeper: Fabien Barthez. Selected so the coach can snog his head.

Left-back: Serge Blanco. Possibly the best full-back of all-time.

Centre-back: Louis Bleriot. Ahead of his time, great in the air.

Centre-back: Inspector Clouseau. Suspect defender, most known for comedic calamities. Bit like a French Titus Bramble.

Right-back: Napoleon Bonaparte. Pocket battleship of a full-back, very ambitious in attack. Never properly recovered from an unsuccessful spell in Russia.

Left-wing: David Ginola. Fairytale return for the man ostracized from the national team for overhitting a cross. If nothing else, will have the best hair in the side.

Centre-midfield: Claude Monet. Creative midfielder whose talent lies in short imaginitive passing.

Centre-midfield: Joan of Arc. Combative and determined. Plays with the conviction that God is on her side. He’s watching from the hospitality boxes.

Right-wing: Nicolas Sarkozy. Controversial choice, only marginally more popular than the World Cup squad.

Forward: Asterix. Diminutive but powerful player, happiest playing in the hole behind a larger striker. Terrific record against the Italians. Added bonus that magic potion is not on FIFA’s list of banned substances.

Forward: Gerard Depardieu. Big lump.

Bonne chance, chaps.