A-Staire

“Obviously my mission is incomplete – my goal is not realised.”

Thus spoke Audley ‘A-Force’ Harrison after a dispiriting defeat to David Haye during which he was hardly able to raise a hand to high-five his conqueror. We assumed that he was referring the continuation of a feted boxing career, the highlight of which was a series of titanic and ultimately unsuccessful bouts against a paper bag.

It seems now however that Harrison, known for his trademark ‘sting like a butterfly’ approach to the noble art, was discussing a future trade in showbusiness. Harrison has agreed to appear in the latest version of Strictly Come Dancing, making the mystifying decision to pass up an opportunity to play the Cowardly Lion in the West End staging of The Wizard of Oz, a role he was surely born to play.

His new venture has been greeted with apprehension by some BBC elders, aware that his previous involvement with the station brought about the total abandonment of its boxing output, the only occasion Harrison has been able to demolish anything. Throughout the series Harrison will go toe-to-toe with camp Italian judge Bruno Tonioli. And go down in three rounds.

During the promotional shoot for the show, Harrison was asked by the photographer to look “angry, really angry, like I’ve just called your mum a dickhead or something”. He was also instructed to ball his fist and make it look threatening, “like the furious hammer of Thor himself.” This is the result:

Put 'Em Up, Put 'Em Up