Harris Sportsthoughts

Thoughts about Sport

Archive for March 2010

Emergency Ward Wazza

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I don’t know if I can go through all this again with Wayne Rooney. Last time round we gathered round super slow-motion footage of his limp. We questioned the structural integrity of his crutches. We loitered cravenly outside his Cheshire hospital waiting for a glimpse of the tourniquet. We tried to search for the emotional truth in his face. Which we found out was like reading a subtext into The Hungry Caterpillar.

It’s all too exhausting trying to discern the significance of the fact that Rooney was marched straight to specialist as opposed to waiting a few days. Apparently this is a good thing, if there had been extensive swelling to the ligaments then the procedure would have been delayed. But we may as well cut open Michael Owen and read his entrails for all the good that predicting is going to do. That might be all the little man is right for these days – at least we don’t have to worry about him for a change.

Written by harrisharrison

March 31, 2010 at 9:33 pm

Harris Sportsthoughts Moment of Slight Tedium

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Each IPL game this season has been sold as 2500 seconds of advertising opportunity. Every last drop has been awkwardly squeezed out in the name of selling us stuff.

Hence a six becomes a DLF maximum. DLF is an Indian real estate developer. Such is the promotional bombardment that they have engineered during the tournament that the next time I am in possession of small bit of land in Kerala or Goa or somewhere that I wish to develop then I will undoubtedly be knocking at their door.

It’s all very tedious. Obviously. Even the scruffy dogs that regularly trot onto the outfield have the Pepsi logo singed into their matted fur. But we should remember that, once we strip back the grotesque layers and layers of extraneous corporate messages and announcements, there is some cricket. Some of it’s quite good, as David Hussey helpfully reminded us yesterday, with this little snippet of quick-witted athleticism. It’s a terrific catch. Sorry it’s a terrific Karbonn Kamaal catch:

Written by harrisharrison

March 30, 2010 at 8:38 pm

Posted in Cricket

Bleedin’ ‘Ell

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So Gianfranco Zola vows to haul back West Ham from the trapdoor and a million east-end eyebrows jump skywards. We thought that Zola had slunk off to the Mediterranean never to return, like a cancerous cat finds a far-off meadow to lay down and die in.

Who knows what happened out in Sardinia? Perhaps the Zola famiglia rallied around the little man and cooked him a dinner to elevate his ailing spirits. With large furry-lipped aunts in black dresses dolloping grotesque amounts of fortifying ravioli onto his plate, and sage elders cursing the names of Sullivan and Gold while aggresively breaking focaccia and slurping olive oil. And as the vino flowed, Zola will have collected his thoughts and resolved to fight on.

All of which must have come as sour news for the rumoured heir-apparent Steve McClaren, lurking in some Whitechapel alley like Jack the Ripper under an FA-branded golf umbrella, waiting to pounce.

If his past ill-conceived attempts to ingratiate himself with the locals in the Low Countries are anything to go by, then we can expect McClaren to be polishing up his pearly king outfit and asking not to be referred to as the manager, rather the lor’ blimey guvnor.

Love a duck. Love a fucking duck.

Written by harrisharrison

March 29, 2010 at 6:37 pm

Sports News International

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I’m back after an involuntary hiatus. And after protracted machinations it’s been decided that from today I will start charging to access Harris Sportsthoughts. You can pay 1p for a daily subscription. The price of the weekly subscription has still to be negotiated but it could be anything up to 2p. That would constitute a saving of around 1p based on average output of three posts a week. It’s a crucial step in making the business of talking shit about sport an economically exciting proposition.

The blog is available for a free trial period. The length of this period is one day, during which one post will be published. This period starts today. You are reading the free post now.

I expect around a 99.5% fallout in readership following this announcement but I would add that the price of a daily subscription would be roughly equal in value to one fizzy cola bottle or a tenth of a Chomp.

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March 27, 2010 at 10:44 am

IPL: The Real World

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Just to let you know that I’m being released into the community at large tomorrow. And then scooped up again and put back where I’m safest: locked in a room with a television showing cricket and computer that I can write rubbish on.

I’m providing a sort of live caption to the internet streaming of ITV’s IPL coverage. Which might be beyond someone whose average typing speed is around four words per minute, but I’m going to give it a crack anyway.

I could become the first person to develop the keyboard version of a stutter, or I could develop Tourettes, I could refer to silly twat mid-off or Shaun Bollock. So it might be a car crash. Or a computer crash at least.

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March 12, 2010 at 10:10 pm

Ill-Informed IPL Squad Profiles: Rajasthan Royals

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Shane Warne: Cricket legend and professional baldy. Once refused to shake my hand in HMV so therefore I hate him.

Damien Martyn: Didn’t know he was still alive.

Dimitri Mascarenhas: England reject. Don’t put that on your CV Dimi.

Morne Morkel: Terrifying partnership with Dale Steyn on the pitch, new Hale and Pace off it (I like to think).

Graeme Smith: Nickname at school was ‘Loathsome’.

Shaun Tait: Randomly watched me play cricket in Dulwich last summer. Is sometimes so rubbish I wonder if he picked up a few tips.

Written by harrisharrison

March 10, 2010 at 9:56 pm

Posted in Cricket

Ill-Informed IPL Squad Profiles: Mumbai Indians

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Captain Sachin Tendulkar: Will never write anything remotely sarcastic about him. Bit stumped in that case.

Dwayne Bravo: Dwayne Bravissimo.

J-P Duminy: Is powerless without his security blanket.

Dilhara Fernando: Has the hair of a middle-aged woman from King’s Lynn.

Harbhajan Singh: Rumoured to be a big fan of Come Dine With Me.

Sanath Jayasuriya: May be immortal. Not sure.

Zaheer Khan: Left-armer. Will bowl slowly at Kevin Pietersen if necessary.

Lasith Malinga: Made a career out of bowling so the ball appears from the umpire’s crotch.

Graham Napier: Spent most of IPL 2009 looking like I probably will on Saturday at ITV Towers. Like he doesn’t belong.

Keiron Pollard: Has a big price tag. Has the bulk to carry it though.

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