Harris Sportsthoughts

Thoughts about Sport

Ill-Informed IPL Squad Profiles: Bangalore Royal Challengers

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The wise men at ITV are employing me to provide textual accompaniments to their coverage of the IPL. They’ve let go a handful of the Emmerdale cast to offset my extortionate freelance costs, I won’t get out of my sleeping bag cheaply you see. I didn’t make it explicitly clear that I wasn’t actually a professional journalist, but to be fair I didn’t tell them that I was either. Anyway I thought I better gen up on the players involved just to maintain some sort of semblance that I knew what I was doing. Starting with the Royal Challengers Bangalore:

Captain Anil Kumble: Will never forgive him for nearly killing test cricket for me on a sweaty day at the Oval in 2007 by compiling the most mundane century ever. Every run was if one of my eyebrow hairs had been plucked out. Also unusual in that he looks cooler with spectacles on than without.

Mark Boucher: Nuisance with a permanent five o’clock shadow.

Rahul Dravid: Nicknamed the Wall because of his tireless efforts campaigning for the Stonewall gay rights movement.

Jacques Kallis: Fattest head in world cricket.

Eoin Morgan: At IPL auction prices, you could buy ten Eoin Morgans for one Kevin Pietersen. What a team that would be. Might be a bit short in the bowling department though.

Kevin Pietersen: Might be broken by the time he arrives in India.

Steven Smith: Looks like the odious boy at school who was only in the team because he babysat the cricket coach’s children. Or the third fatter Jedward triplet.

Dale Steyn: For some reason I always think that Dale Steyn would be good at comedy voices.

Ross Taylor: Is taking on the Chaminda Vaas mantle for stupid amount of middle names.

Roelof van der Merwe: Looks like he still enjoys burning ants with his magnifying glass.

Cameron White: Much better now that he doesn’t really bowl any more.

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Written by harrisharrison

March 10, 2010 at 9:43 pm

Posted in Cricket

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