Harris Sportsthoughts

Thoughts about Sport

Posts Tagged ‘United States

Huffing and Puffing

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I’ve had my head turned again. This time by the Huffington Post, the American based newsite and blog-aggregator, which features the some of the sharpest minds polemicizing about the urgent issues of the moment.

I wrote about Liverpudlian scrubbers using a strained gerbil metaphor. Here it is. Any haphazard use of italics and single parentheses are the website’s and not my own.

If you’ve somehow clicked here from the article via my Twitter feed then best not to click on the link otherwise you’ll embark on an horrid circular journey of my brain-toot.

And to person who entered ‘Hazel Irvine tits’ into Google to land on my page today, we don’t have any of that kind of material here. And get some help.





Written by harrisharrison

November 29, 2011 at 8:30 pm


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Shit an actual brick. We may have found the explanation for the preeminence of the European Tour in world golf. It seems that the young Americans have taken their eyes off the Titleist.

And I can’t really take my eyes off its riveting awfulness. Yes, I know it’s a joke and it’s for a good cause but it brings to mind the most heinous excesses of the miscellaneous newsreaders and weatherpeople jigging arrhythmically about on Children in Need to sundry show tunes. But spiced with frathouse wackiness. At least it has given Rickie Fowler an excuse to dress more conservatively than usual.

Watching it there is a very real sense that Hunter Mahan is actually a confused llama who has ambled onto the fields of Woodstock. Which gives us a vague excuse to indulge in this once again:

Written by harrisharrison

June 25, 2011 at 8:33 am

Mont Vert

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Technology can discombobulate. There were real concerns that the passengers of the early steam train journeys would be so unnerved by the motion that their heads would explode. When the Lumiere brothers showed the first moving images in a Parisian cinema the audience were so terrified they stampeded out onto the street.

I wonder if the elders at Sky Sports considered these dangers when they decided not only to premiere their 3-D Masters coverage but also to roll out the powerful sexual entity that is Colin Montgomerie. Not literally roll out, although that would be an operation rendered facile by the epic undulations on the Augusta course. It’s these vast green slopes that Montgomerie seems completely fixated on and are of course only revealed in their proper glory in the 3-D format.

Montgomerie himself has a mesmeric quality. It’s mainly his chops, which have the same elastic potential as a Creature Comforts tortoise. It’s also what comes out of his mouth: the strange burbles, whispery coughs, the giggles at nothing, and the odd mid-sentence boggle in which the same word will be repeated three or four times like a skipping CD. It’s like he’s become lost in his own huge jowls. 3-D jowls. There’s a head-exploding thought.


Written by harrisharrison

April 10, 2011 at 5:49 pm

The Answer Is Green

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Here’s something to cheer all golf followers. It’s the Masters next week. This is normally also good news for all followers of flowers but I have heard grave news from across the Atlantic waves. The peculiarly high temperatures have thrown the Georgian flora out of whack, and some of the area’s most lurid azaleas and dogwood have bloomed a week ahead of schedule. Apparently this means that some of Augusta’s attendant foliage may be past peak blooming stage come Masters week. I know. I should have told you to sit down first.

Anyway to soften the horticultural blow I’ve got £100 worth vouchers to spend at American Golf to hand over. American Golf isn’t actually American, it just pretends to be. It’s the Christian Bale of golf stores.

I haven’t actually got the vouchers. A nice man at InterCasino has. But he’ll give them to one of any of you who can be bothered to send me an e-mail with the answer to the ludicrously facile question below:

What colour jacket is presented to the champion of the Masters tournament?

Just drop me a word at nickbharrison@gmail.com with your name and address by April 30th. And your answer. That would help.

InterCasino(http://www.intercasino.co.uk/games/roulette.shtml) provides a large variety of the most popular and well-known online casino games, video games and slot machines from around the world. Games include Lottery Games, VIP Slots, Table Games, Roulette, Video Poker and Blackjack.

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For the chance to get your hands on one of these jackpots, visit InterCasino (www.intercasino.co.uk)

Written by harrisharrison

March 31, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Oh Not A Lovely War

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Largely I leave the making of military comparisons in sport to jingoistic American Ryder Cup captains, but when I think of the English dressing room I can’t help imagine an army hospital, full of shattered bodies and high with the rancid smell of decay. Their whites stiff with dirt and gore, returning from the front line of a battle they’ve no need or desire to fight. The war in Australia was won at Christmas, the subsequent smaller squabbles have only served to strain and fracture the squad. How many of Eoin Morgan‘s fingers have to be flown home in a splint before questions are raised of ECB command?

Apologies for all this. But when you’re propounding palpable truisms like there is too much international cricket being played, sometimes you have to dress it up in ludicrous war metaphors.



Written by harrisharrison

February 6, 2011 at 5:08 pm

The Harris Sportsthoughts Minute Of The Year

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And the winner is……..

Hunter Mahan has not been awarded this accolade not through any sense of schadenfreude against a golfer who probably loves his mum and owns the long toothy face of a whinnying Disney goat. Well maybe a little schadenfreude actually. The Mahan meltdown is particularly poignant given his previously dismissive attitude towards the Ryder Cup. His lachrymose performance at the press conference may dispel any doubt over American enthusiasm for the event, which comes as a stolid comfort for those who hold the Ryder Cup dear as a bastion of not-for-profit competition.

Mahan should accept this honour on behalf of all sportsmen who have learnt of defeat’s enduring propensity to lodge itself in the throat and wreak hell with your vocal cords.

I suspect the Huntsman will choke up again when he finds out about the award.




Decision Day

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And so we’ve reached the conclusion of a multi-million dollar marathon bidding process that has plunged to a level at which blandishment and bribery are the acceptable tools of operation.

You’ve guessed it. The naming rights of the Oval have been sold. From now on it should be referred to as the Kia Oval.

In other news the FA failed in their attempt to host the World Cup. To soothe the hurt here’s a now-legendary clip of a member of the English delegation, the albino shambles that is Boris Johnson, showing the world how the game should really be played:

Written by harrisharrison

December 2, 2010 at 5:26 pm

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